


Hey teacher!

by Akira10



Category: Gintama
Genre: 3Z AU, AND DRAMA, Angst, Gintoki being sad, I tried with the romance, M/M, Past-trauma, but there is some romance, gotta love the drama and the angst, kind off, others are there too, this is more drama than anything tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-16 12:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9271169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akira10/pseuds/Akira10
Summary: He was supposed to be his teacher, and he was supposed to be the student, and even if he was only there because Kondo thought that it was a good idea. A part of him didn't want to leave, before even noticing, his eyes were always focusing on him, on all the expressions he had, on all the funny faces he had.Did he fall for someone like him?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there!  
> I'm so sorry it's been so long since the last time I upload something, but between the holidays, myself falling sick, and writing this... Well time sure flies, huh?  
> But now I'm back and I will try to upload more quickly!  
> Anyway, I really hope you enjoy this one!

Carefully and totally tired, he put on his uniform not his black and good looking one, no, not that one, but his white one, the one he had to use to go to his classroom. As always he made sure that the clothes were clean and tidy —even if he hated every single part of them. And once he finished getting ready, he sighed before going to where Kondo and Sougo would be waiting for him.

Why was a fully grown man like him in school? Sure when Kondo came with the idea of going to a class that accept everyone no matter their age so Sougo and then could learn something new —even if he knew that it was all only so the older man could be with that weird woman, he had heard some rumors that the woman was going to that class too— he thought that it could be quite a funny way to take his revenge on Sougo, so he agreed without thinking of it.

And for a while it was  _ funny. _

When he saw Sougo all moody and angry with them because “a man like him didn’t need to go to school”, he  _ did _ laugh; but when Kondo came with their uniforms and with all the things they have to take for that ‘special’ classroom, he started seeing how bad of an idea all that was, of course that was when Sougo started laughing and being more enthusiastic about all that, after all Sougo was more focused on seeing more seeing him suffer than the fact that he was going to be trap in a class most of the day.

And that’s when he noticed the price of his little joke on Sougo,  _ he _ was going to be trapped in a classroom all day too… And it was too late to refuse. Kondo had already talked with Matsudaira about his great plan of taking a little leave of absence from their work so that they could learn more about the new generation, and his old boss thought that it was a good plan.

He just couldn’t refuse now. Not when he was the first to think that it was going to be fun.

And so, when the day of going to that special class arrived, he couldn’t help but to hate every single one of his decisions up until now and even more when he saw that Kondo and Sougo were enjoying themselves with all that. Going back to school just to annoy Sougo? What was he thinking?! 

Of course, it didn't even take a minute before the students started seeing them weird out, but he was expecting that, sure Sougo really fit, but then, hell a man of his age and a gorilla wearing a school uniform? He would have even called the police if they weren't part of the police...

Then they arrived at that classroom, a little paper with the ‘3z' written one, and inside, well, he didn't get too surprised about it. People from all ages were there, a little girl with things on her hair, and the older one with a book of BDSM on her hands, a girl gorilla talking with some girls, a pair of glasses wearing a human… That was a class that accepted them, so all that was supposed to be normal, right? And finally when the teacher entered the class —he was a tall man with weird hair and a thick book in his hands— he hoped that maybe he was going to be a normal guy.

Oh, how wrong he was when he thought that.

Not even ten minutes passed before that man took a seat, take a cigarette and started reading whatever that book was about, while the other guys started doing whatever they wanted.

Why did he think that all that was a good idea?

So why was he still there? There was a simple answer.

Before even noticing, his eyes were always focusing on him, on what he was doing, on how peaceful he was while taking a nap, how much he seemed to enjoy eating those sweets, on how hard he was trying to hide that Jump in his thick books.

He was an interesting person, so he thought that it was normal for him to be that curious about the man, that it was normal for his eyes to see every move that the man did, every expression that he had, every little smile, every time he was surprised or pissed at something. He really thought that it was normal.

But it wasn't. 

It wasn't normal to be that curious, it wasn't normal that his eyes were always focused on him, and he started to notice the night they meet by accident in his favorite bar, maybe they always went to drink to the same, or maybe not. But that night they decided to grab a drink together.

At first it was only Gintoki getting drunk and rambling about things he didn’t really understand, the others he was only answering the questions that his drunken teacher asked him, and then he started to see how Gintoki’s cheeks were getting redder each time, how weird his smiles were, and how hard he was trying to act cool even if he was failing miserably. 

He didn’t drink anything that day.

The way he was looking at him wasn’t normal, he then knew that, but he decided to ignore it. Ignore it until he could forget it. After all, he wasn't going to stay in that class forever, right?

_ As long as it's curiosity is okay.  _

He gave himself a last gaze —making sure that his uniform was perfect for the nth time that day— before finally going outside his room in where Kondo and Sougo were already waiting for him.

“Wow, took you long enough Hijikata-san.” Sougo deadpanned while at his side Kondo was laughing as usual.

"I'm on time Sougo." He simply answered before grabbing his bag. Why did Sougo have to annoy him everything he could?  _ And not even going to that stupid class worked as my revenge.  _ As soon as they got to that class Sougo immediately found a friend, while him, he just kept on looking at the silver perm man ignoring everyone else in the process.  _ He was supposed to be the one feeling down, not me!  _ But he couldn’t help but sigh. 

“Don't say that Sougo,” Kondo scolded. Toushi is always on time!” He added happily.

“How come you're always so happy to go Kondo-san?” Sougo asked while putting his eye mask over his hair. That eye mask become a part of his normal uniform faster than what he would have liked.  _ Is it so hard to respect the uniform? _

But… Did someone respect the uniform in the 3Z? Hell, he even had his gakuran a little open —the enough so that the red shirt he wear under it was able to be seen. 

“Because I'm going to see my beautiful Otae-san today!” He answered with a huge smile on his face. “It's better to enjoy every day Sougo,” his hand going to Sougo's hair before messing it up. “The year is going to end in no time, so we have to enjoy it!” He added as cheerful as always. 

“Yeah…” Time always seemed to fly, so before knowing it his life would be back to normal, right? Free of drunk silver perm man, free of crazy people and silly classes. Just what he wanted, right?

“See, even Toushi is enjoying it!” Kondo said proudly, but his mind was already going far away from what they were talking about. 

His life going back to normal… Going back to the police, and going back to his crazy life chasing bad guys. Far away from that mess of a class, far away from all the crazy guys there, far away from that teacher.

But to be honest, he  _ did  _ kind of like to go to that silly class, but that was something that they —especially Sougo— didn't need to know. And a fact that he was going to ignore too, the right thing to do was going back to normal.

* * *

 

When they got to the class they still had some minutes left until the bell would ring, but it's not like they were late at all. After all, no one was really there at the moment —only the weird BDSM girl and the glasses boy were there. 

And that was not even half of his classmates, but it's not like he was too surprised either… He would be surprised if everyone was there on time.  _ If only I was the teacher… They would learn to never be late again…  _ Wait. Him? As a teacher? That class was definitely giving him some weird ideas.

But all that didn't seem to bother Kondo, before knowing it the man was already at the glasses boy's side, probably to ask him where his sister was, or at least that what he thought.  _ He really is obsessed with that girl, huh?  _ But well, he was kind of interested in the man supposed to be his teacher, so it’s not like he could say something against Kondo and his weird relationship with that girl.

“He never changes, huh?” Sougo said before yawning and going to his seat ready to take a well “deserved” nap. Thing that he never approved, but as long as Sougo was sleeping, he would be at peace.

Little by little the rest of the guys started appearing, some with really sleepy faces, others almost dragging themselves, but he wasn't curious about them, he couldn't care less about them, to be honest. At his eyes, they weren't interesting. No, the one he was waiting for was going to arrive late as usual.

_ Such a good model teacher, huh?  _ Not like Gintoki was ever a good model for his students, though, always late, smoking at class, reading manga without caring about the class he had to give, playing pachinko some nights, drinking the other ones… Why was he so interested in him?  _ It just doesn't make sense.  _ But did something make sense in that class?

That's why that year had to end faster so that he could go back to his normal life, away from all that nonsense before it was too late for him.  _ Or Kondo-san…  _  He gave a quick look and found his captain on the door with lots of little… Hearts? Floating around him…  _ Forget it. It’s too late for him.  _ He sighed before resting his head on his desk. 

That class was really changing them, right? Sougo had a friend to fight with, Kondo, well he did fit there, and him…  _ This is going to end soon, so it’s better not to think of it.  _ Yeah, that was the best…  _ What purpose has to think about it after?  _ He closed his eyes while the sound of footsteps was only getting closer and closer, probably the bell rang already, but he was too lost in his thoughts to pay attention to that.  _ That would make things harder and harder.  _ Not even the sound of the door sliding caught his attention, it’s not what he was waiting for after all.  _ Not like it’s not hard already… _

Why did he have to accept Kondo's offer back them? If only he have seen how bad of an idea all that was, his mind wouldn't be full of a certain man now… But well, it's not like he could change the past now, and even less to start avoiding Gintoki. They were supposed to be friends, right? The kind of weird friends that only met to drink, but friends at the end of the day. It just wouldn't be fair to start avoiding him just because he wanted to go back to his peaceful life. It just didn't bode well for him.

"Anego!" A cheerful voice was the one to brought him back to reality, one voice that he made sure to remember really well. Lazily —a little more than what he would have liked— he lifted his head only to find the little china girl greeting the other girls.  _ So he has to be coming now, huh? _ Normally he didn’t pay much attention to what other people did or where doing, but that little girl was important.

She lived with Gintoki. That was the first thing he discovered about that man one of the first nights they met to drink, he started babbling about how good she was and how much he didn’t deserve her, at first he didn’t understand it, but the next nights he discovered more about her and how the man was a kind of father to her, and finally he saw them together after classes, they were like a family —even if the man keep his distance from her, thing he never asked about. But he quickly discovered that they  _ did _ go together to school, so if she was there, he was going to arrive in no time, he was certain of that.

"Oh hey, Mayora!" Kagura said with a huge smile while going to her seat, after all, he was sitting in front of her, so it was quite normal that she did talk with him a bit.

“Just called me by my name, it’s not that hard.” He answered without even bothering to take his eyes off of the door, behind he only heard how Kagura giggled a little before sitting in her seat.  _ She is just like Sougo, always trying to bother me, huh?  _ And now he could hear how Sougo was fully awake and probably annoying her, but he knew it was better to just ignore them, it was better them annoying themselves than him being the victim.  _ Those little brats…  _ What was so fun in fighting all the time? Well… Not like watching was fun either.

_ I don’t get it… _ He sighed. But once the sliding door was open again he couldn't help but look at the person that was entering with all his attention, weird hair, a big book probably with a manga hidden inside, a pair of glasses —that didn't really serve any purpose— on and finally those red eyes looking at him. Their eyes met for a seconds before Gintoki smiled at him, just a little and silly smile, but it was enough for him to get nervous… Nervous?

The man put his bag on his desk before adjusting his glasses really quickly. "Okay, you bastards." It was fun to see how much he changed when he was being a teacher to how he was when they met in the bar, but that only made him more curious about him. "Today we're going to work on page 73," of course he didn't prepare a thing for that class. "So just do that and try to not bother me." He added while grabbing his book and looking for a candy in his bag.

“Ginpachi-sensei,” the glasses boy raised his hand. “Shouldn’t you be teaching us something?” He asked in a really concerned tone.  _ And here we go again..  _ How many times has he heard that same question? Too many to even remember.

Gintoki only looked at him with his typical dead fish eyes. "Go stand in the hallway Patsuan." He simply said before opening his book and reading whatever manga was inside.

But the boy didn’t leave nor did the rest start working on the page that Gintoki told them to do, instead all the girls got together to talk —whatever girls talk about in moments like that— while Kondo simply tried to with the girls, while Sougo was sleeping and he was busy… Doing some other things. 

Like watching, that was always an important thing to do. 

Seeing how a little smile was appearing on Gintoki’s face, probably because of a joke he just read before going to his usual deadpan expression.  _ What is he even reading?  _ His face resting on his hand, trying to catch a glimpse of some other funny face from him, how he closed a little his eyes every time something upsetting happened, or how concentrated he got while eating a piece of candy.  _ How can he be so expressive?  _ In just a second his face would be completely different than how it was a while ago, maybe that’s why he found him so interesting?

Normally he would spend all the class simply looking at him, and the man wouldn't even notice him once, that's what would happen normally, but not that time. Gintoki turned back to look at him for the first time, but he didn't say anything, he just stayed on looking at him, with those red eyes that were reading him almost as if he was a simple page from a manga. While he, he only kept on looking at Gintoki not really sure of what else to do. Why was he noticing that after all this time? Why wasn't he saying anything? What the hell was he supposed to do now?

He wanted to look away, of course, he wanted to, but Gintoki's eyes, they had such a strong look on them, and it wasn't the moment to noticed those things, but he just couldn't look away now, not when that was his first time seeing that expression, not when doing so would make things awkward, and not when he was embarrassed about having been discovered.  _ Come on, aren’t you going to say something?!  _ For how long was Gintoki going to keep that? Why was his heart starting to beat faster? What was going on?

But before he could even think of doing something else, Gintoki put his big book over the desk and got up, his eyes didn’t stop looking at him. “Oi bastards,” finally his eyes break that uncomfortable contact. “I need one of you to help me after school.” The class that was being as noisy as possible was now dead silent. “So no one?” He gave a quick gaze to all the students before ending on him. “See you after school Hijikata-kun.” He simply said before sitting back onto his chair, but something just didn’t seem well with him, all that seem as he was planned, right?

_ Does he want to talk with me that badly?  _ That was the only thing of why he choose him if it wasn't to talk with him he would have chosen Kagura, right? But why? They were probably going to meet later at the bar, so why was so important that they have to talk right after school?  _ Man, my head's starting to hurt…  _ And if it was about him seeing Gintoki? That couldn't be, it was the first time he noticed so there was no way he could be suspicious about it.  _ It could always be a simple causality. _ But if it wasn't about that, then… What did he want? He sighed. It's not like he could know what was on Gintoki's head after all.

“Did you do something Toushi?!” An alarmed Kondo screamed while coming to where he was.

“What? No.” He didn't do something wrong, right?  _ Looking it's not a bad thing, he can't tell me something because of it! _ He knew that and it's not like Gintoki had noticed him looking the other times.

But… If it wasn't about that, then what?

“He probably just wants me to do some paperwork.” He added, but more than trying to calm Kondo he was trying to convince himself of that.

“Come on,” this time Sougo was the one to answer. “We all know how lazy Danna is, he wouldn't care about some paperwork.” His hand putting his eye mask over his hair while a grin was appearing on his face. “He must really want to talk about something with you, huh? And it must be something serious too.” He added.

“What? Don't say those things Sougo!” Kondo immediately scolded and even if he didn’t want to admit it, Sougo was right.  _ It has to be something serious, huh? Why else would he ask for me in such a hurry…  _

"I'm not saying lies Kondo-san, just look at him, he is not even reading his manga as usual." Sougo deadpanned while pointing to the man. But he didn't turn back to see him if he got noticed again… That was something he wanted to avoid.

“It’s true!!”  _ Don’t look, don’t look.  _ "Did you really did something Toushi?! You can tell us!"

“I really didn’t do something Kondo-san…”  _ But what if I did something… _ No, no, no way. “Stop listening to everything that Sougo says, you know how he is.” He added while resisting all of his need to turn back and see what kind of expression he had.

“Woah that almost hurt me Hijikata-san, you should go and die as an apology.” The boy deadpanned while Kondo at his side only laughed, maybe thinking all that was a joke, but well, he was never too sure of when Sougo was joking or when he was being serious either.

“As funny as always Sougo!” Kondo said with a big smile on his face. “But really Toushi, you can tell us everything! You too Sougo!” He added cheerfully while he and Sougo only nodded with their heads.

_ I guess I would have to wait all day to know what he wants, huh?  _ A whole day without being able to see him and a whole day with the curiosity of not knowing what he wants to talk about…  _ This is going to such a long day… _ He sighed, couldn’t he make that day go faster?  _ Come on, get your shit together man.  _ It didn’t have any sense to be thinking so much of him, right? Another sigh left his mouth. It’s not like he could help it either.  _ This is no good, huh?  _

“It really is no good Toushi!” The man said while surprising him on the process.  _ Is he reading my damn thoughts?!  _ "You shouldn't sigh that much! All your happiness is going to go away!" He added smiling, almost as if he didn't know how weird the thing he just said was.

_ What..? _

And just like that, his first day trying to avoid him started.

* * *

 

Maybe Gintoki was trying to avoid him too, or maybe that his lucky day —in its own bad way— but that day was being really easy to avoid each other. After the class ended the man left in a hurry before anyone could say anything else, and at lunch time they didn't even meet —normally they would see each other while he was going to the cafeteria with Kondo and Sougo— not even when he had to go to the teachers office, it was almost as if Gintoki had disappeared from the school that day.

In a way it was better that they didn't meet, he was trying to avoid him after all. But not seeing him in all day? That didn't bode well for him, it was almost as if  _ he _ had done something wrong, something that made Gintoki hate him, but what?

Just the night before they were happily drinking as always, so whatever made Gintoki act like that was something he did that day, right? But even if it was like that, he just couldn’t think of something that bad or that serious that the man would start avoiding all of the sudden; sure he was indeed looking at him, but that wasn’t something bad either.

All that was a pain, a real pain.

* * *

 

"Are you sure you are going Toushi?" Kondo asked for the nth time that day. "You have been really off today, so if you want I can go with Ginpachi-sensei instead of you!" He added with a smile, but his voice showed up how worried he was.

"No, it's okay Kondo-san." He had to go, he had to go and know what he wanted. "I don't want to hear him complain if I don't go." But to be honest, if the man kept on avoid him maybe him complaining was going to be the last of his worries.

“Fine, but we’re going to be waiting for you outside!” He added by grabbing Sougo’s gakuran before the guy could run away. “So if you feel bad just come to where we are!” He said with one of his nice smiles.

“What? Don’t count me in that Kondo-san.” Sougo deadpanned, but it was too late, Kondo was already dragging him along, leaving him all by himself.

_ Thanks, Kondo-san.  _ He took a deep breath before going to Gintoki’s office.

* * *

 

His office was completely silent when he finally entered, and it was almost as if no one was really there, so silent to be an office and even more, so silent for him to be there. 

But he  _ did _ was there.

He was sitting in front of a window, his eyes completely gone, his hands playing with a little piece of paper… It was such a weird sight, but he couldn’t just watch, not that time…

"I hope you called me for something important." He said while trying to act casual, the last thing he needed was for his voice to show how worried he was. But instead of joking or saying some stupid things the man stayed quiet, his eyes still lost on whatever he was looking outside. If he was being off that day, Gintoki was on a whole new level. "Oi you idiotic teacher," he was taking his time to get to where he was, trying for every step to be as slow as he could. He wasn't that sure of why, but he wanted to see that new expression as much as he could. "Don't tell me you were drinking?"  _ Did something happen?  _

His hand moved on by his own free will, and before knowing his hand was already going to touch Gintoki's shoulder, in his own attempt to catch his attention. But just as he was about to touch his shoulder the man got up all of the sudden, his breathing going fast, sweat going down his face.  _ Something happened, right?! _

Gintoki took a deep breath before trying to clean some of his sweat with his hand —but failing really bad— and that’s when he finally noticed his presence. “Oh Hijikata-san,” his breathing was going back to normal and his face was becoming more serious.  _ ‘San?’ Doesn’t he always call me with ‘kun’?  _ “Did you get here a long while ago?” He asked, but all that was weird for him. Gintoki was being so formal, so unlike himself.

"Why did you call me?" He had to know, and even more now when Gintoki was acting like that when the curiosity was killing him.

“Geez,” he closed his eyes for a second while his hand passed through his own hair. “Why do you have to be so direct?” He put the piece of paper on the chair before getting closer to where he was. “Look I’m going to be honest with you because I think you’re getting the wrong idea, okay?” His eyes had the most serious expression he has ever seen.

“What?”  _ A wrong idea?  _ What was he talking about?

“Hear me out, I know the way you’re looking at me.”  _ What the fuck is he saying now?!  _ It was for sure, he really had no idea what Gintoki was talking about. “But I can’t give you what you want.”

“You really hit your head today. Calling me all the way to here just to say some bullshit?!” From all the things he had expected, from all the situations he had imagined that one was something he had never thought.  _ This has to be a goddamn joke. _

"I'm not saying bullshit, and you know it." He answered while getting closer and closer. "Don't you think that I haven't noticed how you look at me? The way you look at me." With every word, he was getting one step closer.  _ He noticed?!  _ His heart was beating faster and it would be a lie to tell that his head was not a mess.

“The w-way I look at you? What a-are you saying?” Why was  _ he  _ getting nervous? And why was Gintoki getting that close? “We’re just friends, in what way I could possibly look at you?!”

"Friends? We're not that." Gintoki's hand was grabbing his own. "And I not that for you either. You want something else from me," why was his voice not coming out?! "Always staring at me, almost as if you were devouring me, huh? But I can't give you want." His red eyes all over him, reading him, analyzing him, and he was just going to let that happen? No way.

“Devouring you?! Why the hell would I do that?!”  _ I just find you interesting, nothing more!  _ But those words didn’t leave his mouth, he just couldn’t do it when Gintoki was looking at him that angry.

"Come on, how much are you going to lie? Aren't you always looking at me with that expression of wanting to be kissed by me? Hell, even you have that one now." His free hand was raising his chin.  _ Being kissed by him?! What the fuck?! _ "Or what," his face getting closer, his voice being almost like a whisper, his own heart beating nonstop. "Are you going to deny this too? Are you going to deny how much you want me to kiss you?"  _ Is he… _

But his voice didn't come out nor he could back away, he could only see how his face was getting closer and closer, how those red eyes didn't break the contact, his mind was definitely going crazy that moment.  _ Is he really going to…  _ That had to be a joke, right? A bad joke, but a joke, right? There was no way he was going to kiss him!  _ This is not funny!  _ But even if it was a joke… Why wasn’t _ he _ going away..? His legs weren’t reacting, all of himself was just frozen, and he didn’t get why.  _ Wanting to be kissed by him… _ That wasn’t it! Not at all!

Those red eyes reading him, his face being right in front of him, that hand grabbing his chin and not letting him go… He didn’t want it, but he closed his eyes on an impulse… Waiting… Waiting for their lips to touch… Waiting for his brain to work again… Waiting for his legs to respond... Waiting for their lips to touch… Waiting for their lips to touch… 

His mind was going crazy, his heart was beating nonstop, even breathing was being hard, but he didn't open his eyes, no, he preferred to wait with his eyes closed.

But nothing happened...

The hand grabbing his chin left him free all of the sudden. "See," he couldn't help but to open his eyes. In front of him, Gintoki was just looking at him, not even a smirk on his face, nothing at all. _What? He didn’t…_ Why was he feeling disappointed? "You can't deny it anymore, you really want something else from me." He added while walking back to his desk. "So the best we can do is going back to a teacher-student relationship, okay?" He didn't turn back to look at him. "Is the best for you." But he didn't hear that, nor did he hear the weird tone that Gintoki had, no, his mind was too busy and confused as to pay more attention.

_ He has to be kidding, he has to be kidding.  _ He just couldn’t believe any of the things that were going on. “We’re not that either.” He whispered with his hand closed in a fist, he was angry, bothered, confused… “We can’t go back to something we never were.” If they were not friends, what purpose all that had? Why did he got so worked up for someone like that? Someone that would do something like  _ that _ just to prove his point? "So... I would not bother you more," he didn't want to say those words, but those were his feelings talking and he really couldn't control them. "Goodbye, Ginpachi-sensei." He added before leaving his office.

* * *

 

_ That was the best I could do… _

* * *

 

It would be a lie to tell that he wasn’t angry, angry at himself for storming off like that, angry at Gintoki for doing the things that he did, angry for being unable to deny all that, angry because he may have been expecting for something to happen…  _ Shit… _ What was happening to him? If he kept on thinking of what happened he was just going to go mad.  _ I was just going with the mood, nothing else!  _ But he couldn’t lie to himself like that. His fast heart beats, all that interest for that man, how disappointed he was, how he lost control… 

_ What am I saying? _ He sighed, he wasn't an idiot, of course, he knew what he was feeling, but there was no way he would admit it, and even less now, with how things were…  _ Things are going to end soon after all… _ The best he could do now was to just act like nothing happen, right?  _ Better to forget it…  _ He took a deep breath before going outside of the school, where Kondo and Sougo —surprisingly enough— were waiting for him.

_ Act normal, act normal.  _ Last thing he needed was them asking why he was weird.

“Toushi! That was fast!” Kondo said with a smile while getting up from his seat —if sitting on the ground could be called as a seat. “What did Ginpachi-sensei wanted?” He asked.  _ Act normal.  _ If any of them noticed something suspicious on him they would only get more and more curious, he knew that well.

"That bastard only wanted me to do his job." He lied and Kondo seemed to accept it since the man only nodded as a response.

“Yeah sure,” but Sougo was the problem here. There was no way something like that would trick him, right? “You were probably flirting with Danna all that time that we were waiting like idiots here.”

His heart stopped for a second, why did he have to be so damn sharp?!  _ Calm down, he probably is only joking…  _ After all, he just noticed his feelings that day, right..? “What bullshit are you saying now Sougo?” His voice came out normally, much better than what he had expected.  _ Perfect! _ “Aren’t you the one that’s always flirting with that China girl all the time?” He asked and before a second could pass Sougo was already looking at him with killer eyes.

“Me and China? I knew you were stupid, but never this stupid Hijibaka.” He deadpanned, but his tone was different from usual. “She is just my rival, you know?”  _ Yeah sure. _ “Why am I explaining things to you?! Just go and die!” He added

“Glad to see that you’re still getting along well!” Kondo said while putting both of his arms over their shoulders, how did the man always thought that they got along well was a complete mystery.

“Kondo-san… How much time is left until we can go back to our works?” He asked.

"Two months if I'm right. But I was thinking of asking the old man to let us stay until the end, what do you think?" He added happily, but it was quite normal, of course, he would want to stay until the very end with the girl he loved, right?

But not for him. “You can stay if you want, I prefer to go back after those two months.” He said and for the first time in a long time his smile disappeared. He was getting worried, he could see that easily.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me what’s going on Toushi.” The man said while his hand went to mess his hair up. “If you want to go back, you can do it. But don’t keep everything for yourself, okay? I’ll get more worried if you keep on doing that.” He added and his voice was completely serious, he just couldn’t keep on lying to him, huh?

"Thanks, Kondo-san, just let me get things straight in my head, I'll tell you later." He answered and Kondo smiled back at him.

_ Two months before I can forget everything, just two months more and things will be over… _

But those two months were surely going to be harder.

* * *

 

He came home really late that day and he would have come even later if the bar hadn't kicked him out for drinking more than what he should. But it's not like he could help it, right? Even after drinking all that he could still remember how hurt his voice was, how confused his eyes were… Why was so hard to forget that? Didn't the alcohol always help him to forget all the bad things? Why was this time different?

The guilt, the guilt was making everything harder.

"That was the best…" He said while trying —and failing— at opening the door. "That was the best…" The key finally got in the right place. "That was…" What side did he have to roll the doorknob again? "The best…" The door finally open, but he didn't care, instead he only put his face on the door and closed his eyes.

Guilt, regret, everything was hitting him in that moment.

_ Why…  _ Why did he say those things? Why did he do that? Why wasn't the alcohol knocking him down and letting him forget? Why was he doing all that..?

Of course, he knew that things weren't going to be easier, but he never expected that they were going to go that bad. But he should have expected, right? The things he wanted never went well.

“Ka-Kagura…” He called, almost like a whisper, almost as if he didn’t want her to see him like that, but in a way he did, he didn’t want to worry her more than normal, more than necessary. “That was…” He repeated, and he was going to keep on repeating it until his own mind was sure of that.

Slowly he lifted his head from the door and got inside with some unsteady steps, and not really sure if he closed the door behind him or not.  _ That was the best.  _ He walked to the living room while trying to make the less sound possible, after all, he didn't want to wake Kagura up.  _ That was the best.  _ After giving a quick glimpse to his closet and after seeing his little girl sleeping soundly he went to his bedroom.

Not even Sadaharu woke up when he passed right in front of him, a that was a thing he really was grateful for, no one —not even his dog— could see him like that, that weak, that hurt. If they saw him the questions would start, and there some things he couldn’t answer, that he didn’t  _ want  _ to answer.

_ That was the best… _ He didn’t bother to put his pajamas on, he only threw himself on the futon.  _ He is going to forget everything once he leaves.  _ He closed his eyes tightly, and his hands went to cover his eyes, but he could still see the hurt Hijikata in his mind.  _ He is…  _ How hurt and cold he was when he left his office.  _ He is… _ His words still playing on his mind, hurting him more and more.  _ He is going to be okay…  _ Right?

* * *

 

Everything went dark all of the sudden, he couldn’t even hear his own breath, not even the soft sound of his clock, there was nothing there, and with his heart beating faster he got up.  _ What is going on? _

Some seconds passed and a laugh started echoing in all that darkness, a familiar laugh, one that he knew well and that he haven't heard in years.

“Tatsuma!” He screamed with his eyes wide open, looking for him, looking for something, anything. “Tatsuma!!” But instead of having an answer, the laugh only got stronger while the sound of the water started. “Where are you Tatsuma!?” He screamed again, but there was no way that his old friend was there, right? After all, he was…

“Death.” Another voice came out, this time from behind him.

“Takasugi?!” He called, he knew that voice well. “Tatsuma! Zura! Takasugi!” He screamed with desperation, but nobody came.

The laugh started being softer and now the sound of the water was stronger, so strong that his head started to hurt. He remembered that sound better than anything else on his life. That was the sound of the river…

“Tatsuma! Zura! Takasugi!” He screamed while running all over the place, just like he did back on that day.

Then the laugh stopped and the screams started. They were horrible, agonizing, they were killing him. He fell on his knees while with his hands he covered his hands, trying to stop hearing those screams, but they didn't stop, instead they only got stronger and no matter what he did he couldn't stop hearing them, after all, they were from inside of his head.

"ZURA! TATSUMA! TAKASUGI!" He screamed at top of his lungs, the tears appearing on his closed eyes. "Come out of the river… Come out…" He begged. "Come out… Come out..." He kept on repeating that, but the horrible screams of his friends didn't stop.

"You let us die," Takasugi said from behind him. "You didn't even try to save us."

The screams finally stopped, only leaving the sound of the water.

“You let us die.” Another voice, but he didn’t want to know who was it. “You let us die Gintoki.”

"I tried!" He screamed while the tears went down his face. "I did try…" But the water was too wild, and his friends were swallowed by the river before he could even jump to save them. "I tried to look for help… I tried…" But he was too young back then, too young to know what to do, too young to know how to save them, they are well to young to know what would happen.

"But you didn't try enough." Takasugi's words were harsh and full of hate. "You could have saved us, you could have come with us…" 

“But you just let us die…”

“I tried guys, I tried…” He said, but the memories were hitting him, all the time he spent with them, how much they laughed together, how much he asked them to go to that river…

Maybe he didn’t try enough…

“See… You let us die, while you keep on living… So unfair, don’t you think?” He said, and now he could see Takasugi in front of him. “Why? We had so many things we wanted to do.” He added while Sakamoto and Katsura appeared behind him, they look just the same as how he remembered them. “But you took that opportunity from us…”  _ I tried _ . “WHY?!” He screamed before everything went dark once again.

This time the darkness went quickly, and in front of him the darkness got lighter and what seemed to be a picture started appearing, at first it was hard to see, the light was too bright and his eyes were too used to the darkness surrounding him, but after some more seconds he started to focus on what was happening in that scene, the nice orange color of a sunset, some more and he could finally saw what was going on,  _ who _ was there.

And his heart stopped.

Hijikata was walking right in front of him with Kondo at his side, they were smiling happily, almost as if they were in a different world than him, almost as if they didn't notice him there, crying in the middle of all that darkness. Then Kagura appeared, she was talking with Sougo and in her face, there was the biggest one he has ever seen, even Sougo had a little smile on his face. After a moment, Hijikata and Kondo noticed them, and before knowing it, the four of them were smiling happily… They all seemed so happy.

So happy without him. 

“They’re smiling, just like how we were before.” Takasugi’s voice come back. “You don’t deserve them.”  _ He is right. _ “Are you going to break those smiles? Just like you did with us?” He asked. “Break them apart just like you did with us?”

“I… I…” He just couldn't do that, right? He had to keep his distance, right? So that they could keep smiling. After all, they were better without him, right?

"If you stay with them, the story is going to repeat again..." He didn't want to hear those words, but he couldn't stop him. "You're going to let them die..."  _ Stop it, stop it… _ But the words didn’t leave his mouth. “Just like you did with us Gintoki…” 

_ STOP IT! _

* * *

 

He woke up with his body covered in sweat, his heart beating nonstop and breathing seemed to be harder than normal. "It was a dream." But it was so real, so horribly real.  _ Only a dream…  _ He took a deep breath before sitting on his futon. "Why..?" Why did they have to appear in that dream? Why did they have to say those things? He took another breath before putting his hands over his eyes.

And that’s when he noticed that he was crying.

The cold tears going down his face until they fell on his hands, and he, he could only see the tears falling… Why did that dream have to be so real?  _ Get together.  _ With difficulties he cleaned the tears —even if they keep on falling and falling— and with his whole body trembling he got up.  _ It was only a dream, so, get together.  _ No one could see him like that, no one! But then again… He couldn’t help being like that, right? Seeing his old friends, hearing the things they said, seeing Kagura like that, seeing Hijikata too…  _ Get your shit together! _ But it was just so hard to forget all that… If only he could drink some more…  _ Forget it, forget it. _

His steps were unsteady and walking was hard, way too hard, but somehow he managed to leave his room and before almost falling twice he finally got to the living room. Sadaharu was sleeping on the sofa and Kagura was in the same position as for how he saw her when he got there. Maybe he didn't sleep as much as he thought? 

_ Kagura… _ Even more carefully than before, he got closer to her, to see her better, to make sure that she was fine.  _ Kagura… _ And a little smile appeared on his face, even when she was sleep she still had a smile while with her arms she was hugging a little bunny plushie he bought her a while ago.  _ Kagura-chan… _ She really did had a weird effect on him, just seeing her was enough for him to calm down and for the tears to stop.  _ You have to stop sleeping with that plushie Kagura, you're not a child anymore.  _ His hand going to her face, he has never touched her… But she was just so cute, so maybe messing her hair a little won’t wake her up, right?  _ You’re going to be an adult in no time Kagura, so you have to act like one. _ The smile still on his face, his hand getting closer and closer.

_ “You don’t deserve them.”  _

His hand stopped and his eyes got wide open while Kagura just moved a little.

_ “You’re going to let them die...” _

Takasugi’s words were repeating on his mind without stopping. All the harsh words, all the screams, that horrible dream was coming back to him.

_ “Just like you did with us Gintoki…”  _

His eyes focused on his hand, on how close he was to touched her hair, on how close he was to touch her with  _ those _ hands. Just what he was thinking? There was no way he could touch her with those stained hands, right? He just couldn’t. She was so pure, and he was so filthy. “Sorry.” He mumbled before closing his hand on a fist and leaving her side. 

He walked to the little table that was in the middle of the room, and almost in a hurry —and with his hands trembling once again— he wrote a note to Kagura, telling her to go to Otae's house, that he had an important job to do, and he couldn't be in the house for a while. Of course, it was a lie, a blatant lie to get her away from him until he could control himself better until all that weakness could be gone until things had calmed down until he could forget once again…

“Sadaharu,” he whispered while touching the head of the dog, but he didn’t wake up “Take care of her,” he gave another look to the closet, “I’ll be right back.” He added before going to the front door.

He wasn’t sure of what time it was, or just where he was going to go, but as long as he was awake and far away from everything would be fine, right? As long as he could run away from everything…

“That was the best…” He said once again when he leave his house.

But he knew that it wasn’t, trying to run away, hide his past, hurt the people he loved and pushed them apart, that was the worst he could do. But if he let himself stay, if he accepted all of his feelings and just decided to stay with them…  _ No! _ He couldn’t think of the possibility, someone like him couldn’t do it, not when he his most precious friends died because of him, not when he could put in danger the people he loved, not when things could be the same again. 

For him, it was better to not have them but being able to see them from far away, than having them for a while before losing them forever.

“Just what am I going to do now?” He whispered once he got outside. “I can’t go to work either…” He really didn’t have a reason to talk out loud, but hearing his own voice make the night to be less lonely than how it really was. He took a deep breath before going to the only place he could think of.

He didn’t come back that day, nor the next.

* * *

 

He woke up early that day, not like he had sleep much the past two days, but at least the only hour he got to sleep was enough for his mind to rest —just a little, but it was something.

Even after he skipped going to classes he spent all those days thinking of what he was going to do once he saw Gintoki, should he act normal? Should he avoid him? He really didn't have any idea of what to do, hell, he didn't even know how Gintoki was going to act either. And well, he would have an idea of what to do, if only he didn't run away those days. But seeing him right after all that, he wasn't ready.

And to be honest, he still wasn’t, but he couldn’t keep being like that.  _ Running away… What am I? A damn teenager?  _ But if being a teenager would allow him to escape… No… That was ridiculous, way too ridiculous. He had to act like the adult he was! Right..?

He took a deep breath while sitting on the corner of his bed, after all, he was probably not going to be able to sleep anymore, so he might as well leave early and improvise later? But he really didn't have the strength to even leave his bed, if things went like the last time if Gintoki just decided to reject him even more… His whole body felt onto his bed once again. There were only two months left, couldn't he just skip all of them and go to work instead? He sighed.  _ Since when I became such a coward? _ That has to be the influence of being that class, that has to be.

_ I just have to act normal, right?  _ This time he  _ did _ got up and before he could think of something else or on another reason of why he should skip school again, he went to the bathroom, that seemed like the perfect day to leave really early to school…

And in less than half an hour he was already walking outside, he didn’t even bother to wait for Kondo or Sougo —after all they probably thought that he wasn’t going to go that day either— and well his mind was just so busy in distracting himself from thinking of what to do, that even waiting for his friends would be horrible, at least walking keep his mind occupied, but if he had to stay still his mind would go nuts creating all kinds of scenarios… 

And that was something he really didn’t need just when he finally found the courage to go back, and well, he  _ did _ wanted to be alone until all that could be over, if Kondo saw the mess he was now, he would only get more worried, and it's not like he could explain why he didn't sleep anything for the past days, or why did he miss those days, to begin with.

And he sighed once again.  _ Why do things have to be so damn hard?  _ He just didn't get it, but in a way, he was the one that made things harder for himself… Falling for someone like him, letting him do whatever he wanted, keeping everything to himself, those weren't his better choices…

"Mayora!" A voice called from behind and to his own surprise, he saw Kagura running to where he was with a big bag over her shoulders. "Wait for me Mayora!" She called with a big smile on her face.  _ What is the China girl doing here?  _ Sure, he knew that he lived quite close to where Gintoki lived, but why was she out that early? And even more, why was she alone?

“China girl?” He said once the girl was at his side —and how she was so fast was a mystery too. “Did something happen?” He asked, after all, something had to be wrong, right? 

“Not really, I was staying at Anego’s place but I forgot some things at home.”  _ The gorilla lady? Why is she there?  _ “So I just run back here before going to classes, though I’m really lucky, you know? I didn’t want to go back alone.” She added while giggling.  _ She really is cheerful as Kondo-san.  _ But he didn’t dislike it either.

“And why didn’t you ask that lazy perm to bring those things? That would have been easier.” He said while grabbing her big bag without even waiting for her answer, after all, what kind of policeman he would be if he let a little girl like her to weigh a bag like that. And as soon as he got the bag off of her shoulders he kind of regretted it. _Just what does she have here?!_ _How was she even able to run with this on?!_ But he kept quiet while trying his best to lift the bag.

“Thanks!” She said with a smile while moving her arms a little, at least she seemed more freely without the bag, that was good, right? “But I can’t ask for Gin-chan to do that… He isn’t here.”  _ What?  _ Did the man stay at the bar all night? It wouldn't be weird after all. He was always the one bringing Gintoki back home once he got completely drunk, so he was probably coming back all hungover.

"He is probably coming back just in time to go to classes, so don't worry." He simply answered before looking back at her, but she didn't seem as cheerful as how she was some seconds ago.  _ Did I say something wrong? _

“I’m not that sure, he left two days ago, you know?” _Two days?!_ Was Gintoki avoiding him too? There was no way, unlike him, being a teacher was Gintoki’s work, he could just go missing because of him… And wasn’t he the one asking for things to go back to a teacher-student relationship? I didn’t make sense for _him_ to go away after that! _So I got worked up for nothing, huh?_ “He just left me a note saying that he wasn’t going to be back for a while and that I should go to Anego’s.” She explained. _Only that?!_ _He can’t be that irresponsible, right?_

“He didn’t tell you where he was going? Or something else?” He asked now worried.  _ There is no way he can leave a little girl alone, right?!  _ He knew the man was lazy, but never that he could do something like leaving her alone, what kind of father figure was him?!

“Yup, but don’t worry!” She said while putting her best smile, probably so that he wouldn’t worry more. “He usually does things like that, so it’s nothing weird at all.”  _ He does?!  _ “Besides, when I’m with Anego I can eat a lot of tasty stuff, and I can relax a lot! Though it’s hard to not get worried, you know? I really wonder where Gin-chan is, or if he is okay…” Her smile was gone again.  _ Just what kind of idiot are you? Can’t you see how worried she is?  _

“He is going to be okay.” He said while putting his hand on her hair. “He is an idiot, and idiots always come back faster than what you had expected.” 

“You’re right on that!” She answered with her smile back on her face.  _ I can see why he is so attached to her, she is such a happy child.  _ “You’re really cool Mayorin!”  _ Mayorin?  _ Did his nickname change? “I now understand why Gin-chan likes you so much, uh-huh!” His heart stopped for a second.  _ What?!  _ “Yeah!” She continued. “He is always talking about you, you know? He really looks happy when he is like that!”  _ He looks happy? No way… _

“You must be imagining things,” could he tell her? He could, right? “Just the other day he told me that we weren’t friends.” Or at least he could tell her a little part of the story.

"He did? Well, he probably didn't mean that!" She said. "He is an idiot, after all, so he was probably not thinking about what he was saying! So just ignore that and keep on making him happy." She added with a big smile.  _ Does she even know what she is saying? _ Making him happy? How was he supposed to do that when he was planning on ignoring Gintoki.  _ And ignoring what he said... I can’t do that either China. _ “Emmm… You have a real job with a real salary, right?” She said quickly, almost as if she suspected that she said something wrong. “Then you should buy me something to eat!” And before he could even say anything, the girl was already dragging him to a shop near there.

* * *

 

After going to the shop and buying all the things that Kagura wanted —and even after resting in a park for more than an hour— they arrived at their classroom a little after the bell rang

"See, I told you we would make it just in time!" She said happily. But how they managed to arrive so fast when they were so far away, and when he had to carry that bag was a complete mystery to him.

"We didn't make in time, the bell just rang, didn't you hear it China girl?" He said while trying to catch back his breath.  _ Where does she get all that energy?!  _ She didn’t even seem to be tired.

“That’s early Mayorin!” She answered before opening the door with a little more strength that necessary.

_ Oh… _

And there he was. With the same clothes as always, with his dead eyes looking at them, with a lollipop in his mouth and with some big eye bags under his eyes? But he didn't look at him more, when Gintoki eyes went from Kagura to him, he immediately averted his gaze.  _ Shit!  _ He did it almost on an impulse, but avoiding him like that was something he didn’t want to do. It would make to obvious that something happened between them!

“Hiji…” His name, the man was going to say his name, right? He still wasn’t ready.

But before Gintoki could say anything else, Kagura was screaming his name."Gin-chan!" In just a second she was already jumping into his arms. "I missed you so much Gin-chan!!" She screamed, but he didn't bother to look at them, no, he simply got the opportunity to go to his seat now that Gintoki would be too busy with the girl on his arms as to pay attention that what he was doing.  _ I’ll thank her for that later. _

But instead of going to his own seat at the front of the classroom he went to Sougo's seat, right at the back. "Whoa, you look like shit Hijibaka-san." That was the first thing that Sougo told to him, but it's not like he had expected something different from him, it was Sougo after all, he would probably tell him to go and die before even asking him why did he miss those two days.

"Let's change seats for today Sougo." He simply said and for some reason, the whole class went silent in that moment, even Kagura seemed to have stopped talking with Gintoki, all the looks were over him, he knew that well.  _ Just what am I doing?!  _ Improvising was not his forte, and well, he couldn't back out now, and he couldn’t resist being right in front, not with Gintoki there.

“What? Did you hit you head Hijibaka? Why should I do that?” He deadpanned while resting his face on his hand. “You know what? Just go and die Hijikata.” He said with a big smirk on his face.  _ Of course. _

"Come on Sougo, just for today…" Why did his voice come out so quiet?  _ Perfect now Sougo is going to take advantage of that.  _ “You can annoy the China girl more if you change seat with me.” He quickly added.

Some more seconds of silence passed away while all the gazes were still focused on him, he could feel them burning his back. But to his own surprise, Sougo got up from his seat. "I'm doing this to annoy China, okay? Don't get any idea with that stupid head of yours." He simply said before going to Hijikata's seat.  _ He really is…  _ Of course, he wanted to sit there, but he never expected that Sougo would accept it, and even less that easy and fast.  _ This has to be my lucky day, huh? _ But well, if that was his lucky day, why was Gintoki there?

_ Forget it. _

While trying his best to ignore all the people near him, he simply sat on Sougo’s desk and hid his face in his arms.

Could the time go faster than usual?

* * *

 

Once the bell rang, it was like music to his ears, he got up in a hurry before looking to where his friends were. Sougo was talking with Kagura nothing weird on that, but Hijikata… His face was buried in his desk, almost as if he was sleep, or at least trying to make the other people think that way.  _ Something really happened, huh? _ He knew that well, he could act like an idiot, but he wasn't stupid. The two of them missing school for two days, asking Sougo to change seats… It was obvious that something wrong was going on.

But what?

No matter what Hijikata wasn’t going to tell him, the man could be very obstinate when he wanted to, and that seemed to be one of those moments in where his friend was going to stay quiet about it.  _ These kids… _ “Sougo! Toushi!” He screamed with his happy tone. “Let’s go and eat something!” Not his best idea, but maybe he could get something out of Hijikata while eating?

“Going.” Came out the lazy answer from Sougo.

“Go first,” Hijikata said while getting up from the chair, and now he could see the big eyes bags he had.  _ Toushi? _ Just what was he doing for the past two days?! “I have other things to do.” He added and just like that, he left the classroom.

"Toushi?!" He called, but it was too late, if Hijikata heard him or not, well it was a mystery, but it didn't bode well for him. Seeing one of his precious friends like that, he didn't like it.  _ Toushiiii! _

“Just leave him, he can do what he wants, I couldn’t care less.” Sougo deadpanned.

"Don't say those things Sougo! I know you care for him too!" His arm going over Sougo's back, bringing him closer. When did he grow up so much? "You even change seats with him, so of course, you care about him!"  _ Though it really surprises me when Toushi asked for that. _

“I only did it because I knew that you would scold me if I didn’t. So don’t get any weird ideas Kondo-san.” He added. “You should stop worrying about him, you know? He is not even going to tell you what happened with Danna.” 

"You know I can't do that Sougo, you two are the only family I have, so, of course, I will get worried! No matter what, I will be worried about you two!" He said, but a part of him knew that Sougo probably didn't understand how he felt for the two of them, he was still too young for that.

“You won’t get anything by getting worried… I don’t like it…”  _ Sougo… _ When he was like that, he really couldn't help but see the little kid he took care off. "But fine." His hands taking his arm off. "I'll come back." He said, and it was so easy to see how annoyed he was.

“Where are you going?”  _ Did I say something bad?  _ Now, why was he leaving? “Oi Sougo.” He called, but the boy simply left, just like Hijikata did a while back.

Just what was wrong with them? 

“What’s going on with them?”

* * *

 

_ Hijibaka is going to pay for this one, he really is going to pay for this one.  _ If there was something he didn’t like was seeing Kondo worrying like that, the man was supposed to worry for himself and not for them, but he knew well that Kondo would always put them first… So why was Hijikata making him get worried?  _ He is definitely going to pay this one. Involving Kondo-san in a damn love quarrel, I’m going to kill him. _

But before doing that, he had to fix whatever problem Hijikata had, right? Once he does that, Kondo would stop worrying and he could simply kill Hijikata, it was a good plan.

_ These damn idiots.  _ It didn't even take him long to just know what was going on, there were so obvious, so easy to read, so bothersome. Why did he have to get involved?  _ If only they were adults… They would leave Kondo-san out of their shit.  _ But it seemed like he was the only adult there, the only one able to not involve outsiders in his own problems and avoid worrying Kondo at the same time.

_ Once I solve this…  _ He took a deep breath before opening the door of Gintoki's office, he knew he was going to be there, of course, he was.

The man was sitting on his desk, his face on top of the table, just like how Hijikata was that morning. “You know Danna,” he simply said while the man got up to look at him, the confusion was easily seen in his eyes. “I don’t really care what you do with Hijikata, I really don’t care. But all this shit, you’re making other people get worried for you.” Kondo, Kagura, the rest of the class, that was all just stupid, and he was going to stop it.

"What? What are you saying Sofa-kun? You don't make any sense." Lies, those were lies, he knew well. The way Gintoki averted his eyes, how that smile seemed to be so fake, of course, that was a lie, the man knew well of what he was talking.

"Don't try to trick me, Danna, it's obvious that something happened between you too." He went to one of the chairs that were in front of his desk, but his eyes never stopped looking at him. "Or what? Are you going to deny it? That something happened, that you both are avoiding each other? Are you going to deny what you feel for him, Danna? Are you going to deny it when it's so obvious?"

"You're so sharp Okita-kun," Gintoki said with a smile. "But being that sharp would bring you troubles one of these days, you know?" He said before resting his face once again on the table. "For how long have you known?" He added, this time almost on a whispered.  _ Since the beginning. _

He knew what was going on, he wasn't an idiot after all. It didn't even take him long before noticing that Hijikata was always looking at Gintoki, and after some time he noticed how Gintoki was doing the same.  _ Such a pair of idiots. _

"You're avoiding my question, Danna." He simply said.

“Would you believe me if I told you that I told him the exact same words? ‘Are you going to deny it?’ You wouldn’t believe how sad he was when I told him that…” He didn’t speak, he only listened. “But well, I guess,  _ I am _ , I’m going to deny it. That’s the  _ best. _ ” His voice was so sad, so empty, it was weird. “I don’t even deserve him Okita-kun.” His eyes, his voice, maybe it wasn’t that bad that he decided to intervene.

“I doubt it.” He said without even thinking. “Look, I don’t even know what happened, and I don’t want to know either. But saying that denying it is the best, that you don’t deserve him... That’s just stupid.”  _ So, so stupid.  _ “Not being with someone just because of some shit like that, you should just take the opportunity now that you have it, you know?”  _ Before it’s too late and you can’t see them again.  _ “I thought you were smarter than that Danna.”

“I… Are you trying to comfort me? Who would have thought that.” He said with a grin, but they both knew better, that smile was fake.

"Stop with the jokes Danna, I'm not doing this because I wanted to." But it seemed like he wasn't going to get anywhere if he didn't say things clear. "So you're just going to get away from being with someone you want to be, huh? You're going to regret that." He knew that feeling very well, after all, how many times a day did he regret not being more with his sister when she was alive?

"I already regret it, seeing him ignoring me like that… I knew that it was going to happen, but I guess I wasn't ready…" His voice was so soft that it was hard to hear, but he still managed to understand every single word he said. "It's not like I can change things either, the best is that we continue with our life like this... He will leave in some months, and he will forget me. End of the story."

"Really? That's it?" Oh how much he wanted to hit him in that moment. "And what about you Danna? What about what you want?" He asked and Gintoki immediately moved away from his gaze. "Come on Danna, that's the most stupid excuse I have heard." He sighed. "You can't change things? Did you even try to do it? Don't say stupid shit if you haven't tried it." He added while getting up, someone that was his limit, but it seemed like it worked.

Gintoki’s eyes were focused on him.“So I can change things, huh..?” He got up slowly. “I couldn’t save them, but I can save him..?”

“You don’t make sense Danna.” He deadpanned.  _ It’s not my problem either. _ “I’ll be leaving now. Though he didn’t come to eat lunch with us, you know? He is probably outside.”

* * *

 

Just what he was going to do now? He went out of his office without even having a plan, he was just simply acting on impulse.  _ But I want to see him.  _ That was for sure. He didn’t like how he ignored him that morning, he didn’t like seeing that down either, but what he was going to do?

_ “You don’t deserve them.”  _

Takasugi's voice came back as soon as he came out of the building, angrier than ever, louder than ever, but for the first time that voice didn't stop him.

He didn’t deserve them, he knew that well. But he still wanted to be with them, to laugh with them, to have nice moments with them.  _ I will deserve them.  _ He was going to try his best.

_ “You’re going to let them die...” _

_ I couldn’t save you guys, but I will save them. I won’t let them die.  _ Why was he just now seeing how wrong he was? He couldn’t keep on blaming himself, they wouldn’t want that from him, right? They were always laughing, not even their parents keep a grudge on him. It  _ wasn’t _ his fault.

_ I won’t let them die, you guys hear? _

No matter what, he wanted to smile with them. 

He wanted to hug Kagura, hug her for the first time. 

He wanted to go to the river with them, have a fun time.

He wanted to say sorry.

He wanted to see him.

_ ‘You were our best friend Gintoki.’  _ This time it was Katsura's voice the one that made him stop. He sounded so calm, so happy. 

_ 'We always had so much fun Kintoki.’  _ Sakamoto’s voice. 

_ ‘We don’t blame you.’  _ Takasugi’s voice. 

He could remember the happy smiles of his friends, how happy they were together, how happy they were that day. How happy he could still be…  _ Guys…  _ But just as when the tears were about to start he finally saw him, smoking in the garden. Just what kind of stupid thing he was going to do now?

He got close silently, watching him, thinking, of how stupid he was. There was no way he could forget him, he was already too deep in love with him. “It’s bad to smoke, Hijikata-san.” He said and he couldn’t help but smile once he saw how Hijikata got surprised.

“What? Who…” His expression changed so quickly when he saw him.“What are you doing here? Decided to reject me more? I’m not in the mood. Just leave me alone.” He said while bringing his cigarette back to his lips.

"You know… I… I was an idiot." He said.  _ I was such an idiot thinking it was the best. _

"And you just noticed that? Really what do you want?" Hijikata asked he sounded so down.  _ Did I really do this? _ “Just leave me alone, okay? I don’t have time for you.”

“Look, I didn’t do things right…” Just what he was going to say?! “But you know, I like you so much...”Wait, that wasn’t the right moment to say that!

“What? What is wrong with you?” He sounded so tired, and he looked so tired too.  _ What happened to you?  _ "Saying that you like me… What kind of joke is that? Why do you have to be so annoying? Didn't you noticed that I wanted to be alone?" He asked while looking at the floor and with his hand, he was playing with the cigarette.

“Look, I told you a lot of things I didn’t mean, okay? What I’m trying to say… Well…”  _ Were things supposed to be this hard?  _ “I’m really sorry, I mean… I… I’m an idiot! But I don’t want to leave you alone” He wasn’t making any sense, he knew that well. “I knew I screwed up badly, but things happened, and I didn’t mean to say those things.” 

“You really don’t make any sense. Just what do you want from me?” Why did he have to ruin things so easily?! “Why don’t we talk later? You can think, I can be alone.” He said while getting up, his eyes never looked back at him.

“No!” He grabbed his arm right before he could get away. “I need to talk this with you now, okay?” He said and Hijikata simply stayed quiet, but he was finally looking at him.  _ What now?!  _ His heart was starting faster, he really didn’t plan for things to go like that. “What I want from you… I just want you to be with me!” He screamed and Hijikata’s eyes went open wide. “I want to be with you, okay? I know I said a lot of shit, but this is what I really want.”

“Wh-what? Did you hit your head or something?!” His face was becoming red, but his own face was probably the same too. “Just what are you saying you damn idi-”

But before he could say something else, or before he could away from him, his free hand grabbed his waist and brought him closer to him. “I really want  _ you _ .” He said before kissing him, a simple and gentle kiss. 

It wasn't part of his plan either, but that was the best he could do, kissing him the enough for the man to understand how he felt, for him to understand that he wasn't joking. He was going to answer all of his questions later, but for now, he simply wanted to transmit all the feelings he had.

For some seconds it was only him doing the kiss, until Hijikata's arms hug him back and the man started responding to him kiss, shyly at first, but after some seconds he left all that behind, leaving only his need to bringing him closer and closer. And he enjoyed that kiss more than ever, but they have to stop."Oi." He called in between their kisses, and just that was enough to bring them back to reality. 

After all, they were still in the school.

But even if they had to stop, he didn’t broke their hug.“I’m sorry for what I did.” He said while putting his forehead on Hijikata’s shoulder.

“You know, you’re an idiot.” That’s it, that’s when Hijikata was going to scold him, huh? “But, well, you’re  _ my _ idiot.” He whispered, but it was loud enough for him to hear. 

And he really couldn't help but smile after hearing that.


End file.
